Behold, some imperfect and dramatic rambling thoughts that I decided shouldn’t stay only in my journal… might delete it later, who knows.

“Priorities change!” seems like a thin explanation for the grueling sleep deprivation and priority reorientation I have endured the past year. The kindness and graciousness I have been able to bestow is not because of ease of access to benevolent emotions. I think it is from God’s power only, that all of my pleasant interactions with other people have not been ONLY fueled by the desire to get something in return. The path has been riddled with holes. Temptations to grasp someone ELSE’S collar to demand to know what the “right” next step is, what I should be striving for, who I should be. Because God is gracious he preserves me, not just physically, but my personality, my preferences, my goals. They lay changed and adapted out in the light for me to see clearly now that they have been uncovered by the painful scratching away by the knife that is BEAUTIFUL new life. That is not sarcasm. I am who I once was, who I always have been perhaps. Or maybe my life could be summed up by changing into a different person with each chapter. What would I call those chapters I wonder, maybe an older and wiser me will know. Certain days in my life certainly coalesce in my mind, seemingly defined by attributes of my character, positive feelings, landmarks, pain, shame, nostalgia, and more I am sure. But surely those moments contained more than those simplified trademarks… At least that is what others say, if I relied up on my own body to tell me(which I don’t) it would often have nothing to tell except those glaring and “obvious” lessons I learned. Maybe I shouldn’t rely so much on my own mind to declare the truths of the universe. Maybe I shouldn’t worship my own pride and reliability as if they are the only tools I have, clinging to a lifeline? How silly I am sometimes. Absolutely bonkers. Here’s to vulnerability and stepping out there. Cheers.